I had a boyfriend. He was 22 years old, gorgeous, sensitive, honest, well spoken, astute, ambitious, polite and caring. We had two children together. The relationship lasted over three years, and had plenty of ups and downs, both personally and professionally. He has serious issues with his personality and can sometimes be a miserable person. He has a lifelong partner and children and is very attached to them. I like and respect him, and we used to have the best relationship. The time that I spend with him is very limited. We only have sporadic contact and spend much of our time with our children. At the beginning of December, he broke up with me on New Year’s Eve (after only a few weeks with the children) over text.
I told him how upset I was and how it felt like he didn’t care. I told him I loved him, but we never once discussed being in a relationship, or how and why we got together. I said, “I know that we aren’t going to work out,” but he said that I was just being “selfish”. I tried to get him to stay and work things out, but he said he felt like I “wanted a better life for my children”, while not mentioning that I actually had a good life without him.
Later, I went to meet with a professional who said she believed he had low self-esteem and was a depressive. She said there was also another reason I should have left him before his kids were born. She said that, if I had left him a long time ago, I would never have been in the position to be forced to leave him for something as pathetic as their children. I did not really think he was as miserable as she said and it really hit me that he could be so completely different to me when he was drinking. I didn’t have any other strong memories of him, but even if I had known then what I now know, I don’t think I would have believed that he would just change so dramatically.
I do believe he was hurting himself; from the voices in his head that are driving him crazy to the words he says, some of which I don’t agree with. I’m in a bad way and have to keep staying for the sake of my children. I love him and I know that he loves me, but I am struggling to cope emotionally and mentally with everything. I just want to say thank you for reading my letter and giving me hope that there is someone out there for me. I believe that he will eventually find a new partner or leave and that I will be happy; that time can heal pain and anger. I just want to say goodbye to him for now and get on with my life.
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